Why is it that on your day off you just can't seem to sleep in?

Man I listened to Tegan and Sara's first CD (or is the second?) but it's actually really good. I don't know why but I just assumed it would be shitty. My next listens are going to be Beck's Guero and a Cat Stevens CD I found at the library. I'm only talking about music not because I think I'm the shit but because the important things in my life are slowly going to shit right now. Or at least that's just how I'm feeling this morning.

A few weeks ago, I was confident that I knew everything. I think there are certain points of your life when you feel like you understand everything that is going on and you feel that your existence is under control. It switches from day to day for me. You are certain of who your friends are, what you are working towards, what's most important to you. But lately I feel like I know nothing. Like actually, absolutely no knowledge of the basics at all. I don't know what a friend really is. I have no idea how to have a normal relationship. I don't know if my actions are doing more good or bad. Things that should come naturally.

And for awhile I've been okay with that. Not knowing anything. Instead I focus on the moment or the shallows things in life, like shoes and Halloween. But then the people around me pull stupid shit and make me doubt my very life purpose and it's making me wanting to break things.

But I won't. I'll just eat my sashimi for breakfast and try and forget about everything. Yesterday I felt like shit for all the good things that have happened to me this month and a bit. Do I actually deserve everything I have? I don't really know anymore. I wish I could just have somebody moniter my life, take a look at me now and tell me if I'm a good person or not. Actually that's dumb. I don't want to think that the people around me are bad or that there are winners and losers in the human race. God damnit I think too much sometimes.

My halloween costume is almost complete. All I need are some white sneakers, knee-high white socks, a white dress shirt and a ball and chain. I'm fairly enthusiastic about my costume. I hope to bring sexy back with it. My next couple weekends are fairly action packed. Tonight is thanksgiving dinner in Armstrong, though I still have no idea how I'm going to get home. I look forward to turkey and seeing the people I grew up with. Next weekend Shena's going to be in Kamloops, so I have to figure out if I can steal the car for the day. And then I've got the New Pornographers. I need to wash my face now.

I just had my first incredible wipe out on Betsy, my skateboard. I attempted an ollie and just biffed in the middle of the driveway like a sack of potatoes. POTATOES. My elbow is skinned and my fingertips are numb.

There are certain songs I really like falling asleep to. I usually put one song on repeat and listen to it over and over until I wake up completely entangled in my ear phones, unable to reach my screaming alarm clock. Maybe I should actually compile together those songs and make a 'time to drift off into dreamland' compliation disc. It would be as follows:

1. Wolf Parade - Dinner Bells
2. Iron and Wine - Fever Dream
3. Bloc Party - Blue Light
4. Bjork - Hyper Ballad
5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
6. Bright Eyes - Haligh Haligh
7. Michelle Branch - Desperately
8. Tegan and Sara - Downtown
9. Neko Case - Teenage Feeling
10. Iron and Wine - Someday the Waves
11. Joshua Radin - Winter
12. Frou Frou - Hear me out
13. Stars - Heart
14. Rise Against - Swing Life Away
15. Gwen Stefani - Real Thing
16. The Sounds - Rock n Roll
17. Hajime Chitose - Wadatsumi no Ki

Something about a soft, husky voice singing to you about love that makes you all warm and sleepy. It's as if Bjork is spooning with me.

I've always got so much to say but never any articulate way of saying it. Or nobody in particular to say it to. The one I want to talk to the most is the one I'm supposed to not care about the most. Boys suck. The one I want to talk to the most was the one I abandoned at the end of the summer. Girls suck. The one I want to talk to the most probably wants to punch me in the face right about now. Friends suck. That's okay, I'll trek on--sore throat, throbbing ear, deteriating health and all.

My best friend would read this and roll his eyes. 'Stop being so dramatic,' he'd say. Then I'd promise to break the cycle, finally become an adult. But we all know a week later, there will be something else for me to cry and bitch about. I'm such a little girl. I'm scared that the boy I like will bolt when he discovers what a beast I really am. I actually told him. "You don't know me. I'm really a crazy bitch." Then ironically, 'Crazy bitch' came on the thumping speakers at Boomers and I was dragged out onto the dance floor. I fear that my best friend will soon not be able to tolerate me anymore. He's the most important person in my life and I mostly treat him like shit. I don't want my friends to hate me. I don't want to lose my best girlfriend, who is so far away and living her own life without me.

But running scared is probably not the way to go. These people will inevitably leave me one day or another--for lovers, for jobs and eventually for the great beyond--why is it that I can't act sane around them for the time being? I want to be praised, not feared. I want to be loved, not pitied. I want to be genuine, not fake. That's the biggest thing I guess. I want to be more honest with myself. I'm really no better than the girls I hate and mock or my friends that I constantly depricate and judge.

My ear is in so much pain right now. I just really want to go to sleep right now. I could lie down on the concrete of this shanty internet cafe and just nap. But work beckons. I'm looking forward to the night already. I'm so emo. It's refreshing.

Ew, there is tea tree oil up my nose and it's stinging and smelling weird. The girl at Freedom told me that the oil should help get rid of the keloid scars that have resulted from my septum piercing. Let's hope it works! I'm planning to get another piercing with John (Who wants his labaret pierced really badly all of the sudden) and Tom (Who wants his lip pierced again but aren't Starbucks employees not allowed piercings?). I'm done with having to hide hideous facial piercings so I think I'll get another on my ear.

Naoko really wants her own mode of transportation as soon as she can scrape up the funds. My first choice is a car. Any car is fine, really, as long as it moves and stuff. The car I want of course is the white Toyota Sprinter Trueno GT-APEX that Takumi drives in Initial D.



I mean, how unreal would that be? My other impractical choices are a motorcycle, a scooter, a skateboard, a bicycle or the mehve.


So what if the mehve doesn't actually exist in *real* life?

I recieved an autographed autobiography of David Suzuki today. I'll probably read it and then sell it on EBay. I may not even read it. I wonder how much it would go for...

Doesn't the Cowboy Bebop movie look like the shit?

I know it's old news but I've been wanting to watch that movie since grade 12. Apparently it takes place 2071 and is about a crew of bounty hunters aboard a spaceship called the Bebop. How UNREAL* is that? Bounty hunters are generally bitching. Like Porco Rosso and Roronoa Zoro and stuff. Okay, okay only anime bounty hunters are cool. Anyway, my current anime needs right now are to watch Cowboy Bebop, obtain the rest of the Nana comics and somehow get to Japan to watch Gedo Senki, the newest Studio Ghibli release.

I listened to Final Fantasy's new album last night and was only impressed with track 3. So in conclusion, music sucks but anime is wicked.

(*Naoko is trying to make 'unreal' the new 'awesome')

My job's a FUCKING JOKE. I just REALLY needed to get that off my unimpressive chest.

Extreme exhaustion has taken place. I almost fell asleep twice sitting here playing spider solitare. Not much to report today--went to see Wolf Parade last night and acted like a tempermental 7-year-old. Sometimes I feel as if bitchiness flows through my veins and I can't do anything to stop myself from making rude comments or acting like a complete psychotic. I guess it's simply just proof that I've still got much to learn and I've still got lots of growing to do. I used to like to think that I've already lived many lives in the past but I'm starting to think that I'm a newbie.

In other news, looks like QC--my favorite webcomic--has started a new storyline. I can't wait for the cool library job hijinks Jeph Jacques has cooked up for us eager, pale, internet nerds.

GOsh I'm tired. I look forward to an evening of isolation, relaxation and $1.00 instant ramen.

Man, last night Jesse and Shena and I had the most *intense* conversation about halloween costumes and now it's got me all excited for October 31st. I pride myself on being a pretty good halloween costumer myself and this year shall be no exception. My top halloween costume choices are as follows:

Sally from The Nightmare before Christmas


"In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song!" God damn Danny Elfman you make wonderful music! I think Sally would be pretty cool and fairly simple--old patchy clothing and thread keeping all my limbs attached. Oh and a gross long wig. I can sing songs from the movie--it would be pretty UNREAL.


Luke Skywalker


This would be cool for obvious reasons. John was gonna go as R2D2 and Tom as CP30 or whatever that gold robot is called. I don't know, it's kinda old though--I mean, who hasn't been a star wars character for halloween? I'm a little iffy about this one.


The McDonald's Mascot Things


I never really understood what these things were and where they have gone but it would be the bomb to be Grimmis.


Edward Scissorhands


Oh man I watched this movie for the first time last night and Edward is SO COOL!


Michelle Kwan


Oh yes, a figure skater. This is what Jesse and Shena thought I should be. I'm not sure I want to walk in skates all night though.


Go-go from Kill Bill


This would be the ultimate and my first choice. I'd get to wear the school uniform like I've always dreamed of!

Halloween costumes are definitely underrated though. Oh man, the worst are store bought costumes. Put some effort into the thing! And don't get me started on girls who dress skanky just because they can. It's October 31st it's freezing! And people who don't even dress up. COME ON. Where's your holiday spirit?? Ok but Halloween's not for another two months. I think I need to calm down.

I think I'm going to organize a prison break...

I've been slaving over trying to carve the perfect schedule to balance out my usless post-secondary education and my monotonous office assistant job and suddenly realized how much I'm dreading the upcoming September. I was doing this to please my parents but then I realized that my dad told me himself that I was an adult now and that I had to get my own shit together. Well I think as an early birthday present to myself I'm going to get my own shit together and organize my very own prison break.

Everything seems so easy and simple now! All I have to do is find a place to live in Armstrong or Vernon, break the bad news to my roommate, tell Simon that I don't want the assistant arts position, find a job in Vernon, break the news to my family, get smacked in the mouth by my dad, quit my job at the King Pacific Lodge, drink a bottle of wine, drop all my courses, beg Tom or John to drive my stuff back to the Okanagan and pack up all my shit! It's all so simple!
Why didn't I think of this before?

Well now that I've got all that off my chest--



I watched Saving Silverman last night and it was so worth the $6.88 I paid for it at Walmart.

Back to work!

I spent about thirty-eight minutes of my Sunday afternoon revising my schedule while watching GO (Pretty good movie actually) so here it is as follows:


Monday
OFF

Tuesday
8:30 - 10:20 English 200: English Literature up to 1600
10:30 - 12:20 Math 101: Introduction to Statistics
12:30 - 1:30 Cap Courier Staff Meeting
1:30 - 3:20 Georgraphy 114: Weather and Climate

Wednesday
OFF

Thursday
8:30 - 10:20 English 200: English Literature up to 1600
10:30 - 12:20 Math 101: Introduction to Statistics
1:30 - 3:20 Georgraphy 114: Weather and Climate

Friday
8:30 - 12:20 Political Science 201: International Relations
1:30 - 3:20 Geography 114: Weather and Climate

I really needed to accomodate some time for work because I am completely broke and I gots to pay them bills! Looks like Naoko is going to be in debt for awhile. Yay...debt.

My roommate and I got a new couch from our friend's sister and had a fun time getting it up the stairs. I'll upload the pics tomorrow. Back to work!